You've gotta love The Onion! Going to college in Chicago in the early '90s meant that The Onion (which started in Madison, WI) was my comic meat every week. Even after it caught on nationwide around the turn of the millennium, it kept its edge, perhaps becoming even snarkier. Here, America's Finest News Source steals the show again with this little gem about an under-appreciated group of potential wine drinkers, bringing Champagne producer Duval-Leroy into the mix (probably unbeknownst to them...):
Champagne Company Develops New Second-Place Beverage
VERTUS, FRANCE—In an effort to provide second-place finishers with a taste of the champagne enjoyed by true winners, vintner Duval-Leroy unveiled a new sparkling wine Monday designed to be bitterly consumed by runners-up. "'Deuxième' balances the sweetness of near-triumph with the acrid aftertaste of once again falling just short," company spokesman Henri Babineaux said. "It is less effervescent but higher in alcohol content, ideal for sipping quietly in a rapidly emptying locker room." Babineaux added that the new beverage will be available in a screw top, allowing consumers to get stinking drunk without having to fiddle with a goddamn cork.
It's too bad this isn't a real news story rather than fake news. Of course, too often the real news, as it gets more politicized, seems to be heading toward fake news anyway, leaving an acrid aftertaste all its own.
Anyway, kudos to The Onion for their backhanded acknowledgement of runners-up everywhere, and for putting something in their glass, too.
